Cake or Death: WTF? Interlude

This next post can best be summed up as: Things That Make You Go, “Hmmmm?”

   But please, don’t let my bad taste in 90s club music defer you from scrolling through my annotated gallery of crazy cakes I came across while researching my Cake or Death posts. The following cakes were not applicable to any of my CoD rants, but the’yre hardly rejects. No, in my book, the following cakes are ALL winners, and if I refrained from showing them to you, it’d make me a bad blogger. I think you need to see these cakes.  Your life will never be the same, trust.

   In writing classes (of which I need many, many more, thx), I remember being told that you have to start your story or whatever with a “hook.” Something to draw the reader in. Because the “hook” brings you back, I ain’t telling you no lie. The “hook” brings you back, on that you can rely. (ka-POW! It’s the one-two punch of bad 90s music up in here! I should be ashamed of myself, but I’m just not) Anyway, I you’ll agree that the first cake up on the carving station more than qualifies as a hooker (and on several levels, in fact!):

There are no words. Really, there aren’t. About the only observation I can make at this point is that the cake is shaved. (*retch*)

 I don’t know what sort of wedding between what sort of people would require such a cake, but it’s fucking so awesome! I love the airbrushed smoke from the flaming wreckage up on the top tier there. I kind of wish this were my cake, only the wreck should be the result of some down & dirty kung fu battle. OMG! ‘House of the Blue Leaves’ scene from Kill Bill part: I cake! Please someone steal this idea. I want you to!

 

The only way my wedding could be more culturally-confused is if we went with this Taj Mahal-looking cake. Confuse the hell out of everybody there.

 

UGH. I hate really hate Ed Hardy and all that funky, retro sailor port-of-call, rockabilly stuff. It’s just really not my style, but this cake is the shit in that it aknowledges the inherent duality of relationships: Love AND Hate. Sometimes I want to just say to Mr. P, “Panda, I love you… But I don’t have to like you right now!” and storm off in a huff. This cake isn’t messing around, and it even throws in some sabers or whatever for the two lovebirds to duke(/duel/fence?) it out with. Hot.

 

Let’s see here: Twinkies, Snowballs, Hostess cupcakes, Swiss Cake Rolls, Ding Dongs, Chocolate Chip Mini-Muffins, Nilla Wafers and Reese’s P-Butter cups. If Little Debbie called up Dolly Madison to have an orgy with the Twinkie Cowboy-thing, THIS is what it would look like. It’s a thing of cream-filled beauty.

 

More lame tat-art cake. I’m only including this ugly grocery store bakery-looking thing b/c the name of the shop that made it is called The Masturbakers. Ha. Ha. Ha. Don’t fret, havers of good taste, as I’m sure the owner of this shop spent all of his money on pomade for his sideburns and Swingers-era bowling shirts from Hot Topic and this half-assed cake shop went bankrupt.

 

I love this Nightmare Before Christmas cake. I didn’t even like the movie, but there’s something so winning about a really well done confection. Homecake is flawless, and I’d be proud to have it at my wedding. But, the only problem with that is that I don’t look like this happy couple. Cakes like this belong to couples like that and who am I to steal from a subculture I don’t belong to? Peace out, cake. They don’t love you like I love you.

 

This penguin cake is random as hell, but it would be awesome at my wedding. For those of you who have read my Cajun Wedding Customs post, you’ll get the reference. I’d love to see the look on my mom’s face when the baker reveals this little guy at the reception. She’d have a champagne-out-the-nose moment, and it would be classic.

 

The marriage of cake, M&Ms, and cross-stitch is like a whimsical, homespun dream. Drop this cake off at a Craft Mafia summit and watch the stitchers and bitchers wiiiig ouuut. It’d be like bringing a big ole baggie of Bolivian Marching Powder to the ladies’ room at Butter. File under: How to Make “Friends.”

 

Same-sex unions are being legalized (California) and recognized (New York) in  U.S. America, such as, and I could not be happier. How to celebrate? Why, with the gayest cake that ever escaped a glitter unicorn’s cotton-candy-scented ASS, of course! I love this cake. It tastes like rainbows and friendship and golden buttery sunshine.

 

More nerd cakes. For all your nerdy needs.

 

Yes, this is a Sex and the City wedding cake. For all the Scary Sadshaws out there who are SO RELIEVED to snag a man, this is your cake. There’s even a luxury designer SHOE on top of this pepto pink nightmare! Imagine, if you can, the emaculation of a man cutting into this cake, taking his bite of marital communion, and getting some of that pink glitter stuck to his lip. This bride must really not care about her man’s feelings. “Groom, what GROOM ? This is MY day!!!”

 

 Ladies and Druids, I give you Twinkhenge. Most mystical of all cream-filled spongecake constructions, historians believe Twinkhenge to posess unknown supernatural powers. We have an idea of who built Twinkhenge, but we’re really not sure WHY. Some people speculate that alien life forms may have aided in the production of this structure, but I have another theory- I think some really, really stoned people are behind this wonerous and beautiful monument of human engineering.

11 responses to “Cake or Death: WTF? Interlude

  1. dorothyzbornak

    My boy would shit over that Little Debbie/Twinkie/Nilla Wafer cake. I don’t know if anyone else would even get a crack at it.

    And that Sex and the City cake is probably one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen. Do. Not. Want.

  2. The Taj Mahal-ish cake is pretty awesome. I’d like to redo it as the Kremlin or something and pair it with a geeky Tetris cake. If only I was still with the boy who could play the Tetris song on his french horn… He’d appreciate it.

  3. Skinny Bone Jones

    Why the fuck aren’t there roller-skating unicorns dancing on the tiers of that cake, and/or twirly dolphins pirouetting atop it?

    It’s just not gay enough, is the thing. BE GAYER! Ha.

  4. HOOKER CAKE!!! After this weekend with the whores to the north you could not have picked a more perfect cake to start with! (ask Trixie).

    Awesome cakes, BDJ – for reasons I cannot explain I want the Taj Mahal cake and I want it right now.
    Now, can we PLEASE have a Snap Judgment on the plaid orange pants behind TwinkHenge, k-thx.

  5. london_calling

    This just brings back awful memories of the cake for my college friend’s 21st birthday party.

    It was shaped like a Louis Vuitton purse, with a fondant Eurostar ticket and…pack of Marlboro Light cigarettes sticking out of it.

    We are no longer friends.

  6. “Homecake” is now my favorite word of all time. I’m dyin’!

    Also: that Twinkie/Ho-Ho cake is the stuff that dreams are made of. If there were pinwheels on that bad boy, I’d steal it.

  7. LadySkittlehattington

    Where do you find this shit, Panda???!!!

    Think of the craftsmanship that went into those mesh panties.

  8. a.clever.otter

    That penguin cake is adorable.

    Also, the hostess cake? The only one I know for sure is worth eating.

    And I’m going to ignore the cootercake.

  9. distractedbyshinyobjects

    I, too, vote for the penguin cake. Sometimes I wish I was that daring… but it’ll be flowers and buttercream for me and mine.

    I love your blog, BTW – snuck in via Jezebel.

  10. I want to get married in a Bond film just so’s I can have that first cake. Do you think the little men screaming and running for their lives are edible?

  11. Oh dear. I do miss you.

    I was thinking about not coming back this fall so I could shrink my carbon footprint, but I’m deff coming back now! But only if you have the crotch cake at the pre-party.

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