Pretty: Ur Doin It Wrong

I honestly find it shocking how often people need to be told what looks good and what doesn’t. I’m talking, of course, about the most alarming trend in the bridal world this side of baby’s breath: the Used Kleenex Dress.

   A UKD is defined by, obviously, the random-ass rumpled folds in the (usually very full) skirt that give the dress the appearance of a freshly-soiled snot rag. WHY is this the most popular style of dress right now? Is it a middle class wedding war thing? Like, the more yardage of fabric you can squeeze onto your dress the better you’ll be keeping up with the Joneses? Whatever the reason, it’s a steaming hot tranny shitshow of a mess silhouette. This weird, lumpy shape does NOTHING to enhance a gal’s figure. If anything, it can take even the most enviable of figures and lend them an almost Quasimodo quality. These dresses are shameful. It looks like the seamstress was drunk and just started tacking things up in a rush before the spins set in and she had to go lie down.

   I mean, is there something about these dresses that no one’s telling me? Are the fabric fat rolls serving some kind of purpose? Like, are there secret compartments in there? Is this the Fendi Spy Bag of dresses? Cuz you’re going to have to do a damn good job getting past my bullshit busting to get me to buy that crap. First of all, you can’t put your flask in there. That’s what the garter is for, DUH! Second, those profiteroles are there for YOU, you ordered them, so kindly tell your guests now to snarf them all down before the champagne toast is over. So, no need to stuff Italian cream puffs all in your dress. Third, and most facetious, how much coke do you really need to stash? Fill the deep, dark recesses of that dress up, and you’re like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man of drug mules. Epic. Anyway, it’s not like you can’t fit a sizable baggie in even the smallest of evening clutches, PLUS that’s what you have bridesmaids for, after all. You shouldn’t have to hold your own shit OR cut your own rails on your big day (please, please, please don’t freak. I’m KIDDING! Don’t do drugs, kids. Really). So yeah, whatever sinister purpose this obese walrus of a dress may serve, I’m picking Style over Substance on this one.

   So, let’s get back to trashing the dress, shall we? Within this regrettable subgenre of wedding attire, there are varying degrees of Kleenexiness:

This is the lowest degree of random-foldy-rumpledness, and yet it probably makes the biggest “WTF?” statement of all. What is the purpose of the tuck job on the left side of this dress? The answer to this question is obviously not “to look good”, b/c this looks really fucking stupid.

Here we have a classic scroll-down fug. The top of this one is OK, but what is with that droopy shit going on just beneath the pelvic area? It looks like this chick’s vagina is such bad company, even the satin is getting depressed. I wouldn’t want to wear this bummed-ass, deflated-ass dress on “the happiest day” of my life.

 

[images removed per request of perhaps-sartorially-challenged people taking a little good-natured ribbing a little too seriously]

 

More asymmetric tucking, cutting weird lines all over this beautiful girl’s body. You can also tell from this picture that homegirl is teeny tiny and short. As a fellow shorty, I can say with iron-clad certainty that the ball gown is not your friend. But, I can kind of see why she chose this dress. If this lovely bride would have gone with a sheath or some kind of mermaid shape, she’d have made her groom pass out. So, for the sake of “git’r’done”, she had to be a bit more conservative. But still, I’d like to see if a little more symmetry in this dress-type would make it less emetic.


[images removed per request of perhaps-sartorially-challenged people taking a little good-natured ribbing a little too seriously]

 

… Aaaaaaand we have our answer: A shrill, resounding ‘no.’ This dress looks like the outside of the EPCOT center. Which may or may not have been what she was going for.

 

I don’t care how may fucking times you’ve seen Beauty and the Beast. I don’t care that you’ve been dreaming about this day since you were 5. That’s no excuse to bring the 90s and your 5-year-old sensibilities back out when you’re a grown-ass woman. Sophistication: u can has it.

 

[images removed per request of perhaps-sartorially-challenged people taking a little good-natured ribbing a little too seriously]

 

The thing that upsets me the most is that this dress could’ve been so great. I’ve seen close-ups of this dress and there’s a lot to love. The beading that goes around the top in an almost harness shape is stunning. Add in the lovely powdery pink and the delicate, feminine neckline, and you’ve got yourself a fabulous idea. However, I’m not crazy about the dropped-waist, but with another shape of skirt it could maybe work. HOWEVER, the draping just kills it. KILLS IT! The bunching is done in all the wrong places, causing the dress to flare out in the worst possible place: the hips! All that wrinkly Kleenex gives this willowy woman the looks of a shelf-ass, you know the kind- a badonk that juts straight out at such an angle you could rest a beer can atop it. I’m so angry at this dress. It could’ve been a masterpiece, a Rhapsody in Pink, but instead it’s more like a Hubba Bubba Nightmare: [this joke is fucking RUINED now, FUCK]

 

Seeing as how you shouldn’t have to take my word on what looks bad without me telling you what *I* think looks good, my next post will be about just that. Prepare your eyes soon for a gorgeous post about gorgeous wedding dresses! Leave me comments!

43 responses to “Pretty: Ur Doin It Wrong

  1. bifteck-frites

    Mighty Boosh! I knew I loved you.

  2. distractedbyshinyobjects

    Oh – I’ve seen that pink dress and I loved her blog entries, but felt the same way about the dress :(

    I loathe these dresses. It looks like someone put a cake topper waist-deep in a dollop of coolwhip.

  3. Skinny Bone Jones

    I’ve seen Beauty & The Beast so many times I still know every fucking line from that movie. Why did I just publicly admit it? Anyway, my point is that you are right, it’s not justification for some tasteless wannabe-couture gown, but I can’t wait for you to post the pretteh gowns!

  4. Distracted- I KNOW! I loved her posts! In fact, I like everyone on that site, and it breaks my heart to ever say anything negative about any of them. I almost didn’t post about her dress, but then the Mighty Boosh connection occurred to me and I couldn’t pass up the Hubba Bubba joke, so all bets are off!
    I’m sorry, pink dress girl! You really did look lovely!

  5. I can see the appeal of the Belle look, but the Kleenex dress is NOT the way to achieve it. The lack of symmetry/complete randomness of the tucking makes me especially twitchy.

  6. distractedbyshinyobjects

    @ cate:

    Lack of symmetry can be gorgeous and interesting, but it needs to have a plan.

    I don’t like *any* meringue-like dresses, but the tucks make them worse!

  7. AGreenEyeDevil

    My beloved little hellion Shih Tzu-Poo who is DEEPLY OBSSESSED with manically shredding all things Kleenex, Charmin, and Bounty, would be delirious over this type of dress!

  8. dorothyzbornak

    Every time I see these dresses, all I can think about are those static cling commercials where the woman’s dress is all stuck together. That’s what this looks like.

    These dresses are the poofy sleeves of our generation. Fucking hideous.

  9. This post is making me laugh hysterically. I always knew there was something monumentally wrong with those dresses, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Kleenex is totally it.

  10. a.clever.otter

    I feel like these dresses *could* work, but I’m SO OVER the big puffy trend, so strike for that. And they’re usually poorly designed off-the-rack David’s Bridal, so they really are crumpled kleenex and not the artfully draped marshmallows they should be.

  11. I agree with Otter that these can work, but some of them just don’t. My friend kind of wants one of these, and they’re apparently called “caught-up” skirts. And if you don’t have the right body type, it makes you look dumpy. No bride should look dumpy. So yeah, it’s a rather unforgiving foufy dress.

    And Epcot center is the perfect description. But oh, once I saw a girl complaining that the Disney Belle dress didn’t exactly match Belle’s yellow cartoon creation. I was horrified.

  12. Lala- thank you so much for telling us the actual name of this style of skirt. I knew there had to be a name for it, but so far, no site was admitting it!

    Oh man, Disney seriously warps some people’s brains. One day in the not-too-distant future, scientists are going to analyze the Disney princess movies and find some of the most sophisticated mind-control techniques known to man. Horror!

  13. BDJ–I feel compelled to comment on a dress that takes the proverbial cake over all of these mentioned:

    http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=10283&rowid=17&page=1

    I first came across this during a bored Sunday afternoon marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress” on TLC, and I am rewatching the same one right now…you would have no idea how many brides try this on…AND BUY IT. It retails for $6,000! In the episode I’m watching, the Northern NJ father is pointing out to the designer all of the things that are wrong wtih the dress as he fondles his daughter, yet they all fail to notice that it has a SHEER CORSET, and she’s likely going to be married in a church.

    Wow…just…wow.

  14. Funny writing… but three of your pictures are of real women on their wedding days. I’d be pretty heartbroken to see myself torn apart like you’ve done. Fortunately they’re all awesome women with strong backbones and good senses of humor who I’m sure won’t lose any sleep over your post, but that aside, you might want to consider sticking to the dress website photos if you’re going to criticize fashion. There’s going to be someone out there in the world who thinks the dress you choose is heinous too- how would you feel if they wrote a blog post about you?

    (And I happen to think they all looked pretty damn fabulous.)

  15. Hi, I’m the wearer of ugly dress #4 on this post.

    I happened upon this blog by chance and I liked going through it – you have an amusing, funny voice. However, as much as I enjoyed reading this blog, I felt that targeting real people (and taking pictures off a site that is very popular with brides so a lot of readers know who it is) was done in poor taste. It’s one thing to post pictures from a designer’s website – it’s another to take pictures from real brides, poke fun at them, and not credit the images (many photographers are very serious about the usages of their images, including mine who would not be happy if he found out about this).

    Now, everyone has different tastes. I happened to love my dress because it was easy to alter, it was way below budget, and it was the first one I tried on that really made me feel like a bride.

    Perhaps my vision of a bride is different from yours. Perhaps I’m just old-fashioned (I can be) and stuck in the 90s (which was a great decade, IMO). Whatever the reason, the important thing is that I liked it and it made me feel gorgeous. Every bride is entitled to feel beautiful on her wedding day, look back on her photos and smile.

  16. Fifth Picture Down

    Hey, thanks! That fifth picture down is.. oh wait, me!

    Alright, I get it, it looks like a kleenex – but my got, it’s not like it’s covered in snot.

    Anyway, just thought I’d stop by and remind you that you can ruin someone’s day. Were there not enough pictures of models wearing pickup dresses, so you decided to call me the EPCOT center? Can’t wait to add this to the list of body issues.

    Thanks again!

  17. Hey there! I’m the girl whose blog you love but whose dress you hate – Mrs. Lovebug! How are ya?!

    I have to say, I got the biggest kick out of this post. Every day, about a half dozen links to me, my wedding, or one of my blogs pop up somewhere, and they’re always quite complimentary. This was a refreshing change, and a good laugh.

    My husband and I were cracking up at the “shelf ass” line in particular.

    Anyway, I don’t mind at all you having a laugh at my expense…however, you do need to credit those photos. My photographer is Chris Richards, and his website is http://www.csrichards.com

    I’m off to do some donkey kicks now. Cheers!

  18. truculentandunreliable

    Seriously, if a blog post from some anonymous person is going to mess up memories of your wedding day, then you have bigger problems than just an ugly dress.

  19. so, bdj – i hope you’ve learned your lesson. you’re only allowed to snark on fakey brides and their shiteous dresses from now on.

    bangs however, totally still up for grabs.

  20. bowlingfordollars

    OMG Who censored Panda’s post?? And I want to see the pictures!

    When your picture ends up on the internet, you are fair game for all. Even on your wedding day.

    Jeeeeez.

  21. LipstickLibrarian

    “Every bride is entitled to feel beautiful on her wedding day, look back on her photos and smile.”

    . . . and if her wedding photos are posted on a public site on the internet, total strangers are entitled to look at them and laugh.

  22. amazonredheadedubervixen

    Eureka! I have found the perfect costume for next Halloween, when I will go as the Bride of Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

  23. I’m pretty sure this is much more good-natured than the way celebrity magazines and websites pick apart clothes and appearances. I’d be willing to bet that some of these ladies that were so hurt by this are avid readers of those websites and magazines. Pot, meet kettle. You’re black.
    Don’t be so thin-skinned! It was obviously not meant to be cruel towards you personally. Good-natured kidding relating to whether a person thinks a dress is fugly is not malicious.

  24. Skinny Bone Jones

    Did you seriously have to remove photos because some whiny-assed needy fucking insecure brides who OBVS won’t stay married for long wouldn’t stop clutching their bosoms in horror that someone else might not think their dresses were GORG?!

    Die in a motherfucking FIRE. FI-YAH.

  25. So, Emily says all these women are “awesome”…how does she know?

  26. Skinny Bone Jones

    PS. PNINA TORNAI dress FTW!

  27. Yo, chicky in the Pnina Tornai dress…I think she’s having an orgasm.

  28. i suspect a cabal, BangieB. a elitist, varsity, cool kids cabal of course.

  29. Here I am to look at your photo gallery, and the pictures are gone. I am saddened.

  30. Dudes, srsly, are we really having this (virtual) conversation right now? I’m sorry for lifting the photos without credit. That’s an internet-pirate move, and it’s wrong.

    But, for those of you who feel personally attacked- no. Just.. No. Please go back and re-read the post, as I do pay you plenty of complements. I’m not attacking anyone’s looks, body shape, personality, or any thing of the sort. I’m making fun of dresses, not people. Seriously, go back and read again. If you think a pile of fabric speaks to your identity as a person, I’m sorry if what I said hurt. But I didn’t mean for it to be hurtful.

    I’m not out to trample on any feelings or ruin anyone’s day. Snarking is just for laughs, and it’s not meant to be taken to heart. For me, it’s just a lighthearted diversion. Hell, I would hope that my wedding pictures would make for good snark fodder, so long as it’s clever and funny. Flawlessness is, to me, sort of bland. Example: If you read my “pretty dresses” post, you’ll find that I have WAAAAY less to say about dress styles that I like, whereas stuff I’m maybe not so crazy about (gathered skirts) is positively INSPIRING.

    You all did look beyond beautiful on your wedding days, I did not mean to imply that I thought otherwise. You know as well as I do that a happy, glowing, beautiful bride transcends fashion tastes. Now let’s hug it out, k?

  31. myrtlebeachbum

    Yeah, people are gonna wear their dream dress regardless of how it looks on them. I learned that the hard way on a fateful trip to the bridal salon with my BFF. In a last-ditch effort to save her from herself, I finally had to tell her that the dress she wanted made her look like one of the Fruit of the Loom guys. Well, guess what, bitches? She bought it anyway, and we both knew deep down that I DIDN’T think she looked amazing as I stood next to her as her no good, lowdown maid of honor.

  32. ” who OBVS won’t stay married for long ”

    Ouch.

    I’m all for snark, and I totally get it that one-blogger’s-snark is another-reader’s-possible-image-melt-down…but to attack someone’s marriage just ain’t cool, yo.

  33. I am very happy to see that you took down the pictures of the real women. How rude of you to comment on someone else and then post it on your site. If you have nothing nice to say keep your mouth shut. But maybe you can post a picture of your self when you think you are at you prettiest and we can all rip you to shreads. But in a funny joking way instead.

  34. Late to the game, but whatever…

    There are advantages to wearing UKDs. I had an uber-formal black tie event that I got invited to at the last minute (his date got strep) and I needed a dress ASAP. I’m in the process of losing 50 lbs, so none of my formals (size 6-8) fit. I ran out to my nearest David’s Bridals and found that the UKD skirt (in concrete grey) hid my massive thighs and hips in a good sexy way. I have a small waist and I’m busty, so the corset-like top (in black) fit in all the right places. The full skirt was a bit of a chore to maneuver, but damn I looked good!

    All night, folks kept complementing me on how classy and elegant I looked. Every other woman was wearing something straight or beaded. My dress was simple and the “tissue” folds made it glamorous. I felt very comfortable and sexy.

    Yeah, these dresses look a bit ridic in pics or on the shelf, on my”work in progress” figure I felt grand.

  35. @Lee: ” If you have nothing nice to say keep your mouth shut” Who the fuck are you to roll up into MY blog and tell me how to conduct myself. I can blog about whatever the fuck I want, including ugly dresses. I never called those women ugly. In fact, I used adjectives like “beautiful”, “lovely” and “willowy” to describe them- the people, completely aside from how I described the dresses. Which you would have noted, were you not too busy being a knee-jerk reactionary crybaby to actually READ the post. Reading Comprehension: not just for the CAT test anymore!

    Related: Fuck yourself.

  36. @Cornholio: I, too, do not condone the attacking of someone’s marriage. That shit is below the belt and soso wrong.

    Dudes, this is just a post about FASHION. It does not have to get so goddamn ugly. I’m not trying to go there, so why are you trying to make me go there?

  37. Ohoho, Notters! We have yet ANOTHER shamesploiting internet neophyte trolling on my blog. I’m not going to actually POST her comment, b/c I don’t want to direct any traffic to her snoozer of a blog, so here’s the comment for you to all enjoy, minus the undignified trolling for hits:

    “I’ll be blunt.

    Let’s be honest here, there’s a difference between being snarky for laughs while being flattering and just plain picking on people while being a bitch. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to side on the latter of the two. SURPRISE: I disagree, and I wasn’t one of the photographed brides up there.

    Let’s talk about fashion tastes for a moment here, okay Miss Judgmental? I have some pretty high standards here. I can go nose to nose with your little de la Renta/Herrera/Marchesa wonderland (and much further). But even I, with discerning fashion tastes can see the value in the pick-up ballgown.

    I mean, are you really going to call Carrie Bradshaw’s Vivienne Westwood wedding ballgown gorgeousness pure shit?! And YOU think you have the best of style? Honey, Hollywood’s top stylists obviously don’t agree with you.

    So please stop trying to make it sound like you have better taste than the rest and that you are entitled to wax sarcastically poetic upon the distress of others’ fashion loves. They chose those dresses for a reason and they have no need for your pure drivel.

    Whatever dress you choose, no matter how trendy, fashion-friendly you deem it to be – there will be someone out there that disagrees. Some of the choices you posted in a later blog – I’m not 100% hot for either. However, I won’t waste my energy writing a retort post on my blog about it.

    Yes, we ARE having this discussion. The REAL point is, you did not have permission to post those photos. No, not everything you post online is “fair game” – it’s still owned by the photographer and the subject. I understand that you have apologized for this – but honey, you’re not getting ANY credit for being any sort of flattering towards those brides. Because you weren’t.”

    Have fun, folks! Here, I’ll start:
    Yes, that Viv Westwood dress for the SATC movie was one of the fugliest wedding dresses I’ve ever seen in my entire life. You’ve got to be kidding me if you’re going to herald that dress and then nitpick my fashion sense. In a word: RICH.

  38. Skinny Bone Jones

    1. Insecurity is horribly unattractive and has dismantled many a relationship, married or not.

    2. If your newlywed days are comprised of sleuthing the internets to boo-hoo-hoo about how some meanie is ragging on your DRESS as a matter of opinion and schooling perfect strangers on post-wedding etiquette, then yes, I’d say that’s indicative of a marriage already going down in flames.

    But maybe I’m just a pretty little naive anomaly like that.

  39. Damn, Biscuit. That poor person must have a LOT of free time. And no sense of humor. And doesn’t know you. And, basically, needs to suck it.

  40. I’m here to complain because you stole my really great blog idea. I was going to call it “The Naught” and just never post anything.

    How dare you, Biscuit? How dare you? And on my make-believe wedding day too.

  41. Wow. People need to chill. And this, Biscuit, is pretty much the funniest thing you’ve ever written. Your rage delights me!

    “@Lee: ” If you have nothing nice to say keep your mouth shut” Who the fuck are you to roll up into MY blog and tell me how to conduct myself. I can blog about whatever the fuck I want, including ugly dresses. I never called those women ugly. In fact, I used adjectives like “beautiful”, “lovely” and “willowy” to describe them- the people, completely aside from how I described the dresses. Which you would have noted, were you not too busy being a knee-jerk reactionary crybaby to actually READ the post. Reading Comprehension: not just for the CAT test anymore!

    Related: Fuck yourself.”

  42. @Troll: OK guys, how about we do a quick condescension counter to see who the meaniehead REALLY is? Um, OK, first- go read my post and see that the only insulting I did was directed at satin creations, not human beings. THEN, let’s tally up the anemic jabs from bullshitters in the comments:
    First, calling me a “bitch”
    then “Miss Judgmental”
    “I can go nose to nose with your little ..” Little? Little? Really?
    “And YOU think you have the best of style?” Um no, actually. I never said that anywhere in any of my posts, actually.
    “Honey, Hollywood’s top stylists obviously don’t agree with you.” Actually, Pat Field is NOT “h-wood’s top stylists”, she’s just one person, and a hit-or-miss stylist at that. Not to mention that that crumpled, ill-fitting satin abortion from the SATC movie was universally reviled as a “WTF were they thinking?” sartorial choice. So don’t “honey” me, clueless.
    “So please stop trying to make it sound like you have better taste than the rest” Again, never said that. This post is supposed to be FUNNY, I’m really actually not flexing my taste muscles to make anyone feel bad. I just saw a joke and went for it, but you obviously have a lot more invested in this topic than I do, so go cry somewhere else on a blog where someone’s trying to be serious, k? Your crocodile tears are wasted here.
    “your pure drivel” Dude, I read your blog. Pot. Kettle. Black. I’m fucking funny. I get paid to be funny, whereas your blog is just a really bad pun about shit.
    “However, I won’t waste my energy writing a retort post on my blog about it” No, but you WILL waste your energy writing a really self-incriminating cunty blog COMMENT about it, which is really just sad.
    “The REAL point is” Yeah, if the photogs were the REAL point, you’d have gotten to that sooner. Don’t try to make this about something it’s not, ok? For a person who blogs about shit, you ought to know others can smell it.
    “but honey, you’re not getting ANY credit for being any sort of flattering towards those brides. Because you weren’t” Again with the “honey.” UGH. How droll. Please get a new dig, as Arkansas diner waitresses have exhausted this one decades ago. And anyway, I was being flattering towards those women. I said that if one of them had worn a mermaid or sheath dress, she’d have made her groom cold pass out. Because she’s hot. That’s what I said. Again, with losers on the internet having ALLLL the freetime in the world to leave asinine comments on blogs, yet nobody seems to have any reading comp skills. It’s sad, really, the state of education in this country. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

    Anyway, I think it’s safe to say:
    Comment Troll: 0
    Moi: 5

    suck it.

  43. Don’t forget to add:

    “Related: Fuck yourself.”

    Love that!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s