(I sort of regret using such a heartwarming picture, seeing as how I don’t really want anyone to snark on these two. His suit is rad, and they look like a friends parents or your neighbors or something. Besides, they seem sufficiently embarrassed to be doing the garter toss. Anyway, y’all needed to see this pic.)
When I think of tacky wedding traditions, there is one that immediately comes to mind. I’m sure it’s the same one that comes to most people’s mind when they try to think of the dumbest, most declasse’ thing that people do at weddings. (Hint: It’s actually NOT the garter toss, which I’m saving for a later date.)
After the jump, get your hads dirty with the grossest wedding tradition in history..
(Image credit goes to Miss Milkshake from Weddingbee. If I could have found a better pic, I’d not have stolen this, but seriously, this pic is priceless.)
The CAKE SMAAAAASH!
Seriously. This is some redneck-ass shit. I’ve been dreading the cake smash discussion since first getting engaged. Mr. Panda is a sweet guy, but he does have a tendancy to get hyper and just do whatever he feels like. Even if I talk to him about it ahead of time, I’ll still never know what’s going to happen until the time comes, and that shit bugs. Basically, if I want to guarantee that I won’t have pastry rubbed in my face like a dog who’s done a mess on the carpet, I’ll have to manipulate the poor man with tears.
I know, I know, it’s like rejecting dignity in one situation only to salvage it in another. Whatever, so long as it works. It’s really, really, really wrong to manipulate my man with tears, and it’s not something I’d ever do on a regular basis, but because we’re both rarely serious about anything, the only way to let him know something is important to me is to make with the waterworks and do a full-on Claire Danes crumple-face cry.
Anyway, here are some choice commenter cutlets from the Weddingbee post on the subject of Frosting Bukkake, A.K.A. the Cake Smash: (that’s right, whores, I read this crap so you don’t have to!!)
“Yep, we made a compromise. No cake smashing in return for as many snowballs as he wants to throw at me. “
* Proof positive that getting married does not = growing up. But I think grown-ass snowball fights are cute, so don’t listen to me.
Sarah sez:
“Immediately following the cake smash at a wedding just after our engagement:
Him: We’re not doing that.
Me: We’re not.
Him: Okay good.”
* Fuck, I’m jealous of you. I feel like I need a notarized letter stating that Mr. Panda will not cake-splooge me.
ENDB sez:
“No cake smashing here. Or garter/bouquet tossing. Those are traditions I can happily do without.”
* Hello, friend.
MHB sez:
“I agree that cake smashing and the garter thing belong in the same category. both are just gross displays that seem to exist just to humiliate the bride (and the groom, in some respects). We didn’t do either of those at our wedding… Becasue we LIKE each other.”
* Bitchwhat?! Are you saying Mr. Panda doesn’t like me? I’m kidding. Smootches.
Cara sez:
“I told him if there was any smashing, there’d be an annulment shortly thereafter!”
* Y’all see Cara here? Cara don’t play. She quit school because of recess. She also probably keeps her husband’s testicles in a silk bag in her sock drawer. I love this bitch.
ThistleOrchid sez:
“Every wedding my husband and I have been to where a cake smashing has taken place has ended in divorce- probably just a weird coincidence/twist of fate.”
* Yeah, Thistle, that’s because rednecks decide to get married when they’re drunk and they also sleep with family members, which also tends to complicate the marriage a bit…
BridalMonkey sez:
“I know of some couples who discussed it, and one of them smashed anyway. That would make me so disappointed and angry. It’s not really about the cake, but more the trust.”
* R-E-S-P-E-C-T, take that shit seriously.
After 8 months surfing Bridal Online Hell to try and figure out how to have a wedding, I can’t tell you how relieved I was to come across a community of sensible betches who are not about to trailor park all over the whole wedding. Not ONE comment on this post was pro-Cake Smash. This is a dawning of a new era. Now can you ladies please do something about the wedding DJs, please? I didn’t like The Electric Slide the first go-round and I sure as hell don’t like it now…
Frosting Bukkake stories are more than welcome in the comments.
The Not: a Wedding Blog From a Cussin', Fussin' Matrimonial Malcontent 
There is a woman at work who proudly displays her post-cake-bukkake picture in a precious “Today I marry my best friend” frame.
I can’t bring myself to respect her. At all.
the thing that pisses me off the most about fucking ‘cake smash’ is that more often than not it’s the dude who actually MASHES that shit into his brand new beloveds’ face and all up her nostrils. whereas when she does it it’s more like this lame ass smear, or worse, she goes for the fastball and completely misses because dude like, moves his head 2 inches to the left. then all his dipshit friends who are half blitzed anyway are pointing and guffawing their ass off while she looks like some betty crocker yeti breathing with her mouth open.