Cake or Death: Insanity Interlude


    Sooooo, while I was researching my fantasy confections for Cake or Death: Part II, I noticed some rather alarming trends in the baking world. Actually, it seems to have gone way beyond a trend, and is approaching a full-blown wedding institution. I really hope that this is just some instance where my chi is out of alignment and it’s throwing off my Google-fu or something.

Please to peep the newest, hottest, burgeoning trend that the internet has barfed up all over my consciousness after the jump.


The Super Mario Brothers wedding cake phenomenon.

   OK, I know you guys are all, “Pssssht, Biscuit, I’ve seen this cake on Kotaku years ago, and blah-dee-blah.” To which I will respond, “You were on Kotaku? Really? Yeah. You should watch who you admit that to…” But, your sucky taste in blogs would be beside the point, and the point is that one fabulous Mario cake has spawned a nerdly army of cakes in it’s image. At first I was like, “Cute! Mario cake! Oh, cute! There’s another!” But after the 1000th cake I started losing my mind. It’s sad when people take a really cute idea, execute it extremely well to the point where it becomes an institution (I mean, the original Mario cake is pretty much an internet landmark), and then people just latch on & drag the whole thing into the ground. I mean, I get it if you’re a gamer and you’re just an O.G. Mario soldier, but I somehow doubt it’s really like that. I think people just got a whiff of something cool & went all apeshit on it.

Behold:The Mario Wedding Cake Shame Spiral:

This is a masterpiece & all, but it’d eat like chewing straight fondant. That’s gross.


It’s great that the underwater level is getting some love. However, the rose petals on the table distract from the graphicness of the cake, really poor presentation, but I guess I can forgive that.


Cuuuuuuute. The shape is great, but Mario’s got a bit of bloat going on. Looks like he got ‘housed with the Koopa Troopas last night. Maybe he let Toad stick the tip in, but he’s not telling…

What? So, this is great for a wedding cake, but it’s lost the spirit of the first one. It’s kind of like a Mario cake if it were done by the people behind that Nickelodeon cartoon ‘Doug.’ A bit more personalized is nice, yes, but did they HAVE to pick the most drab level in Mario history to base it on?


This is a good twist on the same idea. Also, the fondant is really neat & clean. I love that the 8-bit force is strong in this one.


Ok, a bit sloppy, but still in keeping with the 8-bit goodness. And hey, you know I love the mini-deserts!


This cake is in denial. It’s all, “What? I’m not a Mario cake! I’m just a generic, happy, arts & craftsy cake! I don’t know how those iconic red and white mushrooms got here, honest!” But actually, this is like Mario cake “outsider art.” Blech.


Unlike the last one, this cake really, really wants to be a Mario cake, but it’s kinda not. Nothing about this cake says “Mario” except for the figures. The rest of the cake is poorly made, and I think those Greek column things are supposed to be the portal pipies. Or is that supposed to be a cloud level? FAIL.


This is not a Mario cake. This is a cubist cake portrait of Moe from the Simpsons.


Gee, y’all, I didn’t know Mario could be spelled G-H-E-T-T-O! What the hell is that bee all about? And the damn butterfly? Ain’t no damn butterfly in Super Mario Brothers! Granted, this is a birthday cake, not a wedding cake. But you know what? I don’t care. After all this, I pretty much never want to see a Mario cake ever again. The Good Ship Mariocake has run aground. I hate everyone.


Please beat this dead horse a little bit more in the comments!


5 responses to “Cake or Death: Insanity Interlude

  1. These are all appropriate cakes for a 6 yr old birthday kid 15 years ago.
    I want my wedding cake to be all about Bratz and then in big letters it can say OMG LAIA CAN HAZ MARRIAGE!!!11!!

  2. dorothyzbornak

    HAAA! I love the one with the candles and rose petals. It’s like they said, “let’s do a Mario cake, but let’s make it classy and romantic.” FAIL.

  3. Laia, Biscuit knows all about Bratz…

    I’m from the South, so I know all about crazy cakes because southerners love to have one classy wedding cake and a tackied-out grooms cake with giant college mascots on them. GAG.

    On the upside, the grooms cakes are usually chocolate, and therefore, tastier.

  4. Holy shit. That third to last cake doesn’t even look like Mario at all. It looks like Moomintrolls.

    I’m Laia. For birthday cakes, these would be the shit. But for a wedding? Seriously? And you’re right, it would be cool if you were the only kid in town with a Mario wedding cake, but the fact that there are 8 million is just as generic as “Ooh, let’s do Krispy Kremes” at this point.

    My dream has always been to have a giant Fudgie the Whale cake with “A Whale of a Wedding” written on it, like Homer and Marge Simpson.

  5. Otter, why you gotta hate on Bratz? They have a passion for fashion! you, of all people should be able to appreciate that.

    But for serious, the Mario cake thing is enthusing me even less on the whole wedding cake idea. It’s cute overload gone wrong.

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