Loves Me Not

That was pirate-speak, did you get it? Hoh-hoh! Have you noticed? The news is very gay lately. I don’t understand how the AFA can even stand it!

First, put on your bullshit goggles, because this is kind of priceless:

Says the San Francisco Chronicle, “County officials in at least two California counties are refusing to perform any wedding ceremonies by next week, arguing they don’t have enough resources to marry both gay and straight couples.” I mean, seriously. Are you fucking joking? Not enough resources? Please to allow me to streamline.

Step 1: Eat a bag of dicks.

Step 2: Smile real nice at the happy homo couple you are about to serve. IT’S NOW A PART OF YOUR BLOODY JOB. CA Supreme Court says so. Don’t like it? Too fucking bad, there’s a recession on and I bet there are a few hundred who are willing to do your job, son, with gusto.

Step 3: Now dust off the fucking forms, scratch out any now-obsolete, sex-specific text, and let the homos gay-marry already, you stupid backwater hicks. Jesus Christ. We have been waiting for months and months and DAMN months for this and we will cut you if we must, in the process of hacking up your wilting red tape.

This is a more fluid segue than I could have dreamed up all by myself! God bless NPR and the Williams Institute at UCLA. God bless LA for giving me this study and my loverbird.

“A study by the Williams Institute at UCLA’s law school says same-sex couples could swell the California wedding industry’s bottom line by $684 million and, over the next three years, add $64 million to the state’s budget.”

Take that, you bigoted sons of bitches! Ha! You knew damn well this was coming, and it’s what you’re so damn scared of. Well, too bad. Train’s a-boardin’, either hop on or get left behind, and I don’t mean that bible-thumping Dr. Tim LaHaye’s version, y’all.

In other queer news, BEING GAY IS GOOD FOR YOU! An NYT article describes how new studies of same-sex committed relationships demonstrate how superior much healthier and less stressful same-sex loverbirds can be, especially in terms of effortlessly maintaining an egalitarian bond and resolving conflicts in a fair, loving manner. Yes, yes, I’m exaggerating a teensy bit, but do read on:

“One well-known study used mathematical modeling (swoon) to decipher the interactions between committed gay couples. The results, published in two 2003 articles in The Journal of Homosexuality, showed that when same-sex couples argued, they tended to fight more fairly than heterosexual couples, making fewer verbal attacks and more of an effort to defuse the confrontation.

Controlling and hostile emotional tactics, like belligerence and domineering, were less common among gay couples. Same-sex couples were also less likely to develop an elevated heartbeat and adrenaline surges during arguments. And straight couples were more likely to stay physically agitated after a conflict.”

Of course, this is moot if you are Le Gay and are dating/IAR (in a relationship) with a skank, douche or bastard, but overall, yes, just like five servings of fruit per day, being gay can be real good for you!

Revenge-seeking lesbian feminazi bonerkillers, take note! If you are from a state other than CA, plan to get married here and are contemplating suing the living shit out of someone back home in the interests of The Cause, an impressive swath of gay rights organizations are advising against it. Excerpt to follow, but check out the article for more in-depth information. Also from The Chron:

“We’re trying to be very smart and very careful about which cases to bring,” said Shannon Minter, legal director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights in San Francisco, who represented same-sex couples in the state Supreme Court case.

Other groups that endorsed Tuesday’s message were the Equality Federation; Freedom to Marry; Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders; the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation; the Human Rights Campaign; the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund; and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.”

You kind of have to love San Francisco’s Mayor Gavin Newsom. Sure, he’s an attention whore, but you almost willfully submit to the magnetic force that is his hair/that voice/how hard he’s fought for The Gay. Naturally, San Francisco will begin marrying same-sex couples at 5:01p.m. on Monday, June 16th, keeping city offices open until 8p.m. to accommodate the blushing brides and gallant grooms, a day before most others are scheduled to! Gavin says that “he wanted the city to begin issuing licenses “the minute” the Supreme Court decision takes effect.” Oh, Gavin, we love you, too.

Seriously, I hope you have a box of tissues nearby, or a special someone’s sleeve.

The first lucky couple scheduled to be married at City Hall? None other than the lovely and inspiring Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, a lesbian couple who have shared more than five decades of their lives together. The women are 83 and 87 years old, respectively. They were married in 2004, but those were all annulled, of course. This time it’s entirely legal and it should be a beautiful ceremony. I am so glad they are here and will be doing this (again). It’s a glorious history to be making.

This info-packed message of Sapphic love and devotion is brought to you by,

Skinny Bone Jones

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8 responses to “Loves Me Not

  1. distractedbyshinyobjects

    And all us Californians better not forget to effing vote DOWN the ballot initiative that will try and stop all this love in November!

  2. Skinny Bone Jones

    For real. Muy importante.

  3. Oh, my, that sweet photo of the octagenarian lovers has me crying a bit in the coffee shop. Why must you always want to make me cry, Skinny?

  4. Aw, adorable little old lady lesbians!

    Also – in addition to less fighting, gays may have better sex. I bring you the following from ‘Bonk’ by Mary Roach:

    “The best sex going on in Masters and Johnson’s lab was the sex being had by the committed gay and lesbian couples. Not because they were practicing special secret homosexual sex techniques, but because they “took their time.” They lost themselves– in each other, and in sex.” p. 301

    The study was done in the mid to late 70s, so maybe straights have caught up a bit since then. I can hope, at least.

  5. dorothyzbornak

    That last picture is probably the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

  6. a.clever.otter

    Old people love is the sweetest. Especially when you know what they’ve gone through to have that love.

    BTW, if any clerks in California don’t want to perform gay marriages, I will gladly move out there, get whatever Internet certificates I need, and perform gay marriages. But no straight ones. Just to be contrary.

  7. AGreenEyeDevil

    Hiding behind burecratic paperwork and staffing issues is beyond pathetic. I hope those particular Ca. counties turn out the voters to keep this great legislation in place AND put out of office the political asses that are driving those staffing/paperwork bullshit excuses behind the scenes.

  8. Mathematical modeling!! That’s what I do! Now if only I can use my powers toward furthering the cause of gay marriage acceptance.

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