Mysteries of Shittsburgh

OK, so my pal in bloggydom, Bewildered Housewife, tagged me for a meme. I think all I have to do is post about 6 quirks that I have that are personal to me. Um, I’d love to do that and all, but I really should keep this blog about my wedding. So, prepare to look behind the curtain into the 6 as-yet-unknown quirks about my wedding!

But you know, a lot of the non-traditional aspects of my wedding have already been revealed here. There’s not much more to tell, except maybe that I’m effing tired of planning this thing. Srsly. It feels like I’m single-handedly running a little town. If that town were a real place, I’d call it “Shittsburgh.” Not because planning a wedding is really that shitty (um, but it kind of is), but because I love how Sienna Miller famously insulted the city of Pittsburgh by labeling it thusly.

It was such a career-suicide move, but GOD was that some delicious faux pas. Sometimes when the beautiful people fuck up, it’s just dreadful and infuriating (Tom Cruise and every TV appearance he’s done in the last 3 years). But other times, it’s really humanizing. “Shittsburgh” is funny in the way that one of my friends could have said something like that to a PA resident by accident and caught the same case of foot-in-mouth disease. I love it. I’d totally have a beer with Sienna Miller. Anyway, onward:

1. We’re not having an open bar. Ooooooh, scary faux-pas that could easily slippery slope into the BIGGEST wedding flub of all: the cash bar! But, we’re not going there. What we’re actually doing is a bar of red wine, white wine, champagne and beer. The last three weddings I went to did this and nobody missed the hard liquor. Besides, if the good Lord intended for every event to include free flowing booze, then the good Lord would not have invented the hip flask, now would he?

2. My mom is paying for all the alcohol. I think she volunteered herself to take on this expense without knowing how much mine and Mr. Panda’s friends drink. Anyway, here’s to not being afraid to be service-y: GO MOM!

3. I don’t really have “wedding colors.” That thudding sound you hear? That is the sound of traditional brides everywhere fainting in front of their computers. Srsly, the more I talk to people about this wedding stuff, the more I realize that the concept of “colors” is a really hard one to get around. Like, people ask me what my “colors” are, and I just kinda mumble something that sounds like is may have come out of the Pantone library. “My colors? Oh, well, my colors are Cadmium *grumble*een and sort of a buttery *cough*rillion.”

I think the trouble originated from the one time I was ever drafted into flower girl duty: The year was 1987, the Year of Plentiful Taffeta. Gunne Sax, baby’s breath and chardonnay were still in vogue. My aunt was marrying into an Italian family. The best way to describe it in the fewest words possible: Married to the Mauve. Oh yes. An all-mauve wedding. The color of period-stained underpants as far as the eye can see! To this day, I still can’t go into a Sally Beauty Supply. It’s the uniforms. They trigger me.

4. In keeping with the above idea: My bridesmaids are not all wearing the same dress. Clutch the pearls, traditional brides! But really, if I don’t have any “colors”, how can I choose a color for my girls? And NO, I won’t do black or white or ivory. Black just seems so somber for a wedding, unless it’s one of those uptown, loft-y, “city chic” weddings, then go for it. But, that is not my wedding style, so it just seems off. My idea was for the bridesmaids to kind of jive with the surroundings of the location- which is a gorgeous Chinese garden, so I chose all different colors for them. A post on that later.

5. So far, we only have one groomsman. Mr. Panda will not get off his ass and ask anyone else to be in our wedding. But I really don’t care. You hear me, Miss Wediquette? I don’t care if the number of groomsmen matches the number of bridesmaids. I don’t care about perfect ceremony symmetry! Put that in your garter and… do whatever it is people do with garters.

6. Oh yes, there will be streaking. See, my brother-in-law (BIL) is a very silly dude. He’s a lot of fun. One night, we were sitting around drinking, and, as is the beginning to some of the most epic stories ever experienced by mankind, BIL says, “Hey, you know what would be really funny..” Yeah. BIL got the crazy idea in his head to streak across my reception in a panda suit. He wants it to be all low-key like. You know, he’ll wait until the reception is fully underway, and everyone’s had time to soak in some alcoholic libations- he’ll be sipping on some wine, casually enjoying the evening. Then slip away without anybody noticing, pull a Superman quick change into a panda suit (at the time, he was thinking I could make him one. And, at the time, we had time for that. Not so much right now) and then emerge and make a fast and befuddling impression on my party. But, as suddenly as he appeared, he’ll vanish into the night- like Batman or a Stevie Nicks impersonator or something. Anyway, I think he was being purely hypothetical when he mentioned panda-streaking my wedding. Because he doesn’t know that I know how to get ahold of an adult size panda suit rather easily…. Stay tuned!

Oh, and I have to tag more blogs for this meme. I choose YOU, Pikachu:


Fit for a Femme

Geometric Sleep

Gifted Typist

Tanya Espanya




14 responses to “Mysteries of Shittsburgh

  1. distractedbyshinyobjects

    #s 1 2 and 3 go for me too. I like all colors, but I did want the bridesmaids to sortof match, so they’ll all be in the same color blue. But the lovely thing is that they all have someone close to them who is an amazing seamstress, so the fabric will be a gift from me and then they get to design their own dress and have a beautiful handmade dress from grandma, or an aunt, or my MOH who is going to do it herself! This is one of my favorite decision’s we’ve made, and I kind of want to make a matching one for myself so as not to be left out!

  2. distractedbyshinyobjects

    and I apologize for the grammar in that last post… Atrocious!

    I am sick… ‘s my only excuse.

  3. You know I don’t blame you a bit on the non-open bar thing. That sounds very reasonable. But then again, I was always Sober Sally at college parties.

    Forgive me if you’ve already covered this, but will you be taking Mr. Panda’s name? I don’t think I want to change names if I marry, but I know a lot of grooms expect it and the brides don’t think it’ sa big deal to expect it. I want to slap the grooms and scream, “Help help I’m being repressed!”

  4. Skinny Bone Jones

    1. Pls. to what is tagging for a meme?
    2. I can’t fucking wait for you to get my package.
    3. I didn’t mean that in a dirty lesbian way, but maybe I do, actually.
    4. I have a Gunne Sax dress and it is FABULOUS. In a happy, ridiculous way. I wore it to the opera with M a few years ago. We were fancy.

  5. Skinny Bone Jones

    Oh, I just came back from the very hilare and charming Bewildered Housewife (I am a fast and thorough bitch), and I get it now. I promise to do a photo-based meme thingee in 24 hrs. or less.

  6. I love Sienna Miller so much, it’s sick, because I really shouldn’t.

    I think a beer/wine/champagne bar is perfectly reasonable and completely understandable. Just be sure you have enough champagne so we can all get a glass from D’s titfountain.

  7. bewilderedhousewife

    Wheeee! Thanks for playing 😉 I have been admittedly absent from blogland lately so it is SO good to read up on your latest wedding happs.

    BTW F*CK wedding colors. Hate them. And I love the idea of wine/beer/champagne only… the lack of hard alcohol may end up being a very, very smart move by night’s end.


  8. myrtlebeachbum

    I didn’t have wedding colors. I didn’t have liquor. I still had a really fucking beautiful princessy wedding, and my law school friends got drunk enough on wine and beer to get arrested later that night for swimming in random downtown-Chattanooga-dwellers’ pools.

    SUCCESS: I had it, and you will too.

    Now I’m off to play tag.

  9. When they ask, just tell people you colors are Blush and Bashful. If they get it, you can stay friends with them. If they don’t at least they won’t keep asking you frickin innane questions.

    Just went to a wedding with just the wine/beer thing. Didn’t even miss the liquor after my first delicious glass of Pinot.

  10. truculentandunreliable

    OMG, I am SO OFFENDED. You have RUINED my special day because you said that black is too somber. I’ll have you know that my bridesmaids wore black, and everybody thought my wedding was BEAUTIFUL.

  11. amazonredheadedubervixen

    I’m somewhat disappointed, because when you said there’d be streaking, I was thinking more Old School, less furry animal suit.

  12. The last half-dozen weddings I have been to have been exclusively beer, wine, champagne (with the exception of one dry wedding…Mormons), and they were all a blast.
    I have a color for my wedding (green), but I don’t plan to use it on much. The person at the reception hall was going on and on about different types of tablecloths and dishes and shit, and finally I just said, “Assume I want everything white. White’s good.” I think I horrified her.

  13. All good points to consider. Wedding colors, matchy-matchy dresses, and perfectly even wedding parties have always struck me as odd. When I was planning my (eventually called-off) wedding, I had a hard time rounding up enough bridesmaids to match the volume of groomsman my fiance invited.

    The wine and champagne bar is an EXCELLENT idea.

    I’ve got some good guy friends that will be in my wedding, standing on my side of the altar. If my groom has a homegirl he loves as much as I love my boys, she’s welcome to stand on his side. There’s a bride/groom’s side at the wedding: why not have the wedding party be separated by relation to the couple, not by gender?

  14. Love the list….I didn’t do any weird “bridal party dances” and I didn’t throw the bouquet or do the garter thing, no one needs that.

    I am a bit sad that the “streaker” won’t actually be the traditional sort, ha ha. Now THAT would cause a scene.

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